{CUE FLASHBACK EFFECTS, HARP SOUND}

"[Scratches head] OK... let’s see — how do I board troops on my transport ship? You’d think this would be obvious, but I guess I’ll have to look it up in the manual [grabs 120+ page manual]. I’ll just go to the Table of Contents... Hmmm. Seems that there isn’t a table of contents. Oh well, I’ll just check the index... err, nope not one of those either. Sigh, well at least the manual must be laid out in logical sections that make it intuitive to find information. [Flips more pages]. OK, who the hell organized this thing... Pig Pen??? I just learned that France had to cede North American territories and Senegal in Africa to the English due to the Treaty of 1763, but I STILL HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO BOARD A TRANSPORT SHIP!!!... "

Europa Universalis is a top–notch, insanely detailed and addictive title that would’ve quite possibly become an all–time great were it not for one of the most abyssmal attempts at documentation I’ve ever encountered. And given that this game has the learning curve of non–Euclidian geometry, the fact that the manual spends over 100–pages telling you more about the choleric King Gustavus II Adolphus of Sweden than it does about game mechanics and strategies is just about inexcusable. The tutorial that comes with the game is not that great either, somewhat akin to teaching a person how to swim by dropping them out of the cargo hold of a 737 while flying over the Pacific Ocean.

The reason I rant so much about the documentation is because EU is truly one of the best strategy games available on the market, but it’s so frustrating to get the hang of that I often found the frustration factor impairing my ability to fully enjoy the title. EU places you, the initially confused but shortly–to–be sleep depraved strategy gamer, at the helm of any number of civilizations spanning the years 1492 to 1792. Although the game is clearly centered around Europe (hence the title, Chowderhead), you can also explore Asia, bits of Africa, and the Americas as well.

You can select from a number of pre–rolled scenarios that drop you right in the thick of famous historical eras such as the American Revolution, where you start off with a number of resources, and little time to spend building up your forces, before the action heats up. There’s also The Grand Campaign which is just what it sounds like — you choose a country, like say Ukraine and attempt to achieve victory either by eliminating your enemies or achieving the most victory points by the end of the game. Finally, for those who like starting out Civilization–style (you know, one settler and an entire world to explore), the a–historical Fantasia scenario lets you build up an empire almost completely from scratch.

There are three main aspects to game play in EU: Diplomacy, Military, Exploration, and Economics... FOUR! Four main aspects to game play – Diplomacy, Military, Exploration, and Economics. The diplomacy model is very well put together, allowing you to bribe your enemies, marry your women off to foreign dignitaries to gain favor, forge alliances, even send nasty insult–filled letters such as:

Dear King Muckety–Muck:

His Royal Highness
Yomamasgood Enufformee

Countries will definitely remember how you act and react towards others, so if you wake up one morning with the strong urge to just completely annihilate the French (and don’t we all?), you may incur the wrath of France’s allies (remember, this is a fictional game so it’s possible that France may actually have friends), and other countries may look at you in a less favorable way. This isn’t anything that hasn’t been done before in other strategy titles, but EU seems to pull this off quite a bit better than the competition as your actions REALLY DO have consequences in the game.

The military aspect of the game is pretty straight forward; armies are necessary to expand and defend, but armies cost money so you’ve got to be careful not to bulk up TOO much lest you run the risk of running out of ducats with which to upgrade the interior of your castle. All battles are carried out automatically by the computer, and the combat (as well as the game map, for that matter) will remind you a bit of Risk. You have access to infantry, cavalry, and artillery, which you can mix and match into pretty much any combination you wish to use to attack the enemy. You can also add into the mix special units such as Conquistadors, which lower the attrition rate that your armies suffer and Explorers, which enhance something or other — I can’t remember, and I can’t find it in the manual. I suppose they’d probably enhance Exploration, don’t you think?

Anyhow... you’ll spend much of the early game sharpening your swords on the necks of natives in the provinces you wish to colonize. The manual mentions that leaving natives alive can be a good thing at times as it gives any new cities an automatic population boost, but personally I chose to dust off the buggers before moving my more–advanced humans into place. Cortez would’ve been proud!

Exploration is a major part of the game, as you’ll often start out with only a portion of the map exposed and you’ll have to send out troops to discover and conquer new territories. These territories, which have Risk–like names such as Crimea, Antidisestablishmentarianismikstan, Irktskjkt, and New Maalox, make up the backbone of your expanding empire. Once discovered, you can choose to colonize these provinces by building cities with Colonists, or simply setting up shop with a couple of heavily–armed traders. As your territory becomes larger, it obviously becomes more difficult to defend, so proper management of both military and economic resources becomes extremely important as the game wears on.

That brings me to the Economic model of the game. A part of the game that in all honesty I never quite mastered. Each province produces goods, which are then transported to a nearby Center of Trade which can contain up to six merchants from any one country. Any country with a large number of merchants in any given Center of Trade will reap the most rewards from that pool of cash, so you’ll invest your efforts trying to achieve dominance, or even a monopoly, in the various Trade Centers around the known world. Of course, if the month has an R in it, or it’s the third Wednesday of the month, you get a monetary bonus, and if Mars and Venus are in Leo you’ll receive a penalty. There are different commodities such as fish, wine, wood, and wool, and as demand for these products raises and lowers so do their prices. This in turn affects your bottom line, so it’s always a good idea to make sure your resources are always being expended on the most profitable crops. There’s also bank loans and their interest to take into account, how much to tax your populace, and how much money to dump into the various research avenues (Naval, Land, Stability, and such) as opposed to pocketing for yourself. The economic model isn’t so much confusing as it is non–intuitive — I always felt like I was missing something, and as previously mentioned the manual was not very much help.

Other aspects of the game include religious tolerance, terrain bonuses, securing supply lines, rebellions, and a multitude of other subtle, and not–so–subtle, factors that enter into game play. I must admit that once I got to the point that I actually felt I knew what was going on in the game (about five minutes before I began writing this review), I became quickly addicted, and that similar just one more turn feeling took over quickly.

However, I’m not sure if it’s fair to ask gamers to put in the amount of effort that is necessary to truly enjoy this title. Some folks apparently have 40+ hours a week to spend on learning the nuances of these deep strategy games (just check out Usenet), but for folks like myself with a family and a job I’m afraid tackling a game like this without any help from the documentation is just a mountain I'm not often willing to climb.

With a proper manual and tutorial, this game could've been one of the all–time greats. It’s a game that grognards should absolutely adore, and the developers deserve major kudos for attempting (and succeeding) at creating such a robust strategy title. However, next time — remember to let your customers in on how to actually play the damn thing!